Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.