Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.