Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS