Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.