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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.