wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
You Might Also Like
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
my mind
You just read my mind
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three