Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
don’t we all
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING