when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse