therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup