Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.