If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
some Old Testament wisdom
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.