ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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Don’t talk down to me
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I already tried new things thanks.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started