Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You Might Also Like
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92