10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
he’s doing your taxes
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out