[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
How actors in movies eat their food
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…