“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake