I enjoy a good short stor
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*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I鈥檓 gay.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Just weighed myself. I鈥檇 strongly advise against y鈥檃ll doing that.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter鈥檚 fianc茅 is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let鈥檚 go to your stalled car and give this a try.
At this point, HBO knows we鈥檇 watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won鈥檛 be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.