Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
(Electricians.)
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.