The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?