Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]