lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.