stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.