I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
What personal space?
My dog
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.