What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”