(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I get distracted pretty eas
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Who’s ready for Friday?!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG