WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos