*launders Kohls cash*
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Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m not stressed
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.