I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.