im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me and the Superbowl rn
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.