Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil