my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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My whole life was a lie.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Banking tips
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.