You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.