I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*