Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: