[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
mmm onion ringos