shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
when someone compliments me
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”