If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Flock of bats
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
🤣🤣💀
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.