My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR