[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd