If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
You Might Also Like
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation