Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My love language is deader than Latin
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
how do y’all walk in shallow water
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”