Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks