god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Best mom ever 😂
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl