My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time