Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’