WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”