If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
You Might Also Like
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him