“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.