We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders