I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
sleeping beauty
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window